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- Love & Money is a column from Business Insider that answers your questions about relationships and money.
- This week, a reader tells us that she gave money to her sons years ago and that her husband wants her to pay it back.
- Our columnist says that the son and husband are being unfair to each other and that the reader should listen to their hearts.
- Do you have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
Dear For Love and Money,
I gave money to my adult son when we divorced eight years ago. My husband wants him to pay it back. He had no money for the first five years. He still can’t pay me back and doesn’t want to.
To date he has paid back $6,000 of the $16,000. This is causing friction between my son and my husband. He wants my son to be responsible. I gave him the money unconditionally. Now he is going to be a father. Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,
I’m Still Parenting
Dear Still Parenting,
Much of my advice is based on something you didn’t mention in your letter. When you gave your son $16,000 eight years ago, did you call it a gift or a loan? You said you gave your son the money “with no strings attached,” which suggests you originally intended it to be a gift. But you also mention that your son has already paid $6,000, so perhaps you both always understood that he would eventually have to pay you back.
If you have made it clear to your son from the start that this money is a loan, he will know what to do. He is an adult, and while he may be lucky and his lender is a forgiving and flexible parent, that does not change the fact that it is not his money to keep.
If that’s the case, I would sit down with your son and work out a manageable payment plan that won’t financially hurt his growing family. It may seem strange and cruel to ask your son to repay you this way, but you are forcing him to honor his commitments. It’s an honesty that will only make him a stronger, better person.
But if by “non-binding” you mean the money was a gift — or if you simply wrote your son a check with no verbal expectation of repayment — then the dilemma is now a question of your integrity. $16,000 is a lot of money. When a parent gives you such a large sum to get you out of trouble, you don’t assume they plan to strain your future with the expectation of repayment, unless otherwise stated. Parents have been giving their children gifts since day one on the planet. So while this assumption may be justified, it’s also common.
Speaking of financially straining your child’s future, a $16,000 loan is significant. I am in my mid-30s and have a secure and comfortable income. However, I would take my time and do my due diligence before borrowing that amount of money for a car loan. If a young relative told me they had a $16,000 loan, I would definitely be concerned. Now, your son was going through a divorce, so he was not a child, and as long as he knew it was a loan, I wouldn’t judge you for offering him an interest-free loan.
This brings me to the other point you didn’t mention in your letter – where was your husband eight years ago when you gave your son this money? Perhaps he wasn’t around yet, or perhaps he was around and approved of your decision to give your son the money. Or, you knew your husband would take issue with it, so you chose not to tell your son that you gave him the money because it was money that you were supposed to give.
In any of the scenarios I listed, your husband may have an opinion, but since he doesn’t have the money then or now, he can’t decide how to handle this with your son. However, if you hid your decision to give your son money from your husband eight years ago, he has every right to be upset, even if he accepts that the money is yours alone. Unless you’re a multimillionaire, $16,000 is a large sum of money, and doing something with that much money definitely falls under the umbrella of “I need to talk to my partner about this first.”
My husband is the emotional half of our marriage. He gets angry and irritable when his emotions warrant it. On the other hand, I can’t stand the drama of big emotions, neither for myself nor for others around me. When I find myself in a situation that I know will upset my husband, my first reaction is always to hide it.
Whether it’s a broken appliance or one of our kids needs something expensive that I’m worried he won’t see as a “need,” I want to deal with it my way—stoically—without him happily getting irritated. Ignoring these concerns may keep my heart beating at a steady, steady pace, but deep down, I know I need to let him know what’s going on because teamwork requires honest communication. If I don’t do the hard work and talk to him, I’m setting us both up for failure.
I notice a similar tension in your letter. Your biggest concern is not about getting your $10,000 back; instead, you are bothered by the friction the money has created between your son and your husband. In fact, you said you gave your son the money “without strings attached,” but you don’t know what to do because your husband disagrees.
Unfortunately, you’re stuck between two people you love who aren’t afraid to ask you to do their bidding at each other’s expense. And if you need someone to tell you that, I’ll tell you — it’s not fair.
I can’t tell you who to choose, but I will tell you not to base your decision on which man you’re most afraid of disappointing. Instead, reread your letter from my perspective. Try to see the situation through the eyes of someone who has no skin in the game. Ask yourself what you would tell the writer of this letter to do. Do it.
I support you,
For Love and Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or other financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money at: this Google form.